On July 17, 1981 in a Hyatt Regency in Kansas City MO, two skywalks weighing over 70 tons collapsed on a party below, killing 114, injuring 216, and trapping many others for up to seven hours while rescuers tried to reach them under the rubble.
The skywalk collapsed because there was a flaw in how the walkways were hung from the structural frame of the building. However, the project engineer had formally written in his reports that the design had been checked for structural integrity. In truth, engineering contractors failed to follow the formal design-review process. In other words, they built without conscientiously reviewing the plans.
It gets worse. Seven weeks before scheduled completion, a worker noticed the top walkway was deformed and reported it to the architect’s on-site representative. The report was ignored. It probably would have been expensive and time-consuming to review. Within the following months two more observations, and reports, were made that the walkway was structurally deformed. Both reports were discounted and ignored.
This is what happens when somewhere in the line of communication, people fail to act. Maybe because they can’t be bothered, because they don’t care, or perhaps because in the cacophony of information and noise in our work, they simply fail to see disaster waiting.
Everyone has a boss. Everyone. You report to the Regional VP, who reports to the North American VP, who reports to the COO, who reports to the CEO, who reports to the Chairman of the Board, who reports to his wife.
Being a successful leader is more about the behavior of your followers. So the real question is: how do we build successful followers? How do we build successful followers who are confident and assertive in speaking the truth?
Strive not to be successful in the eyes of those around you, but valuable to those around you.
When I was a teenager I worked at a greenhouse, and had a boss who gave vague instructions like, “Go water the plants.” That’s pretty non-specific in a nursery which covers five acres. So I would disappear and go water plants for several hours never knowing how much water to give, or which plants required more or less water. In addition to the lack of direction, I found the whole thing pretty boring. I lasted about six weeks before I quit. I never questioned what I was doing or why.
When Suggestions Become Orders
Failure to speak truth to power can carry immense consequences. In an interview with Sue Mahony, President of Eli Lilly Oncology, she described one of the blindspots that leaders develop as they climb into higher and higher echelons of the company is that often people become increasingly unlikely to provide honest feedback to senior leaders. What happens instead is that suggestions become orders.
Lead With Questions
Sue described how she is very careful about making suggestions in meetings, and instead leads with questions. She composes questions that rely on the strength of the team members and allow their expertise to shine. Questions such as, “What would happen if we made this decision?” “What are the technical considerations if we build this?”
Have Listening Tours
Sue is responsible for almost two thousand people. Mis-information and poor behavior can cascade easily without her knowing it. Often, she seeks out individuals on her team to have “listening sessions.” In these meetings, her only goal is to find what people around her honestly think, care about and prioritize. Then she thanks them.
Get Closer to the Impact of the Work
Sue did admit that in the field of cancer drug research it is pretty easy to get team members excited and driven in their work. After all, their goal is to alleviate, or even cure, some forms of cancer. But Sue also admitted that in their day to day work, it’s also easy to build petty squabbles and get exhausted in the mundane.
Which is why Sue works to regularly remind people of why they are there. Real life people currently suffering, and recovering, from different forms of cancer specific to their work, are brought in to tell their story. And their story is not always about the nature of the disease itself, but also about the human side. When the researchers on Sue’s team hear about the human impact, it unites their sense of purpose and focus.
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https://shawnhunter.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/07/helping-others-succeed.png290530Shawn Hunterhttp://shawnhunter.wpengine.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/logo.pngShawn Hunter2015-07-17 08:05:052018-03-31 15:54:56The Secret is to be Valuable not Successful
“When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.” – Alexander Graham Bell
In Bronnie Ware’s book, The Top Five Regrets of the Dying she describes her years of experience working with patients in their finals days. As a palliative nurse she cared for those who had often lived a long life, and were reflective in their last days. As she recounts in her book, if any of her patients had regrets reflecting on their life, the themes were consistently of being authentic and true to oneself, daring to take on their dreams and challenges, and staying in close touch with friends and family.
The number one regret voiced was “I wish I had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.” It’s not laziness and indolence that holds us back. It’s an inability to overcome the fear of trying. Courage is not blindly facing the unknown and stampeding ahead anyway. Courage is instead carefully understanding and recognizing the risks, obstacles and opportunities before us, and proceeding in measured steps.
By carefully understanding, and preparing for each forward move, we mitigate risk and become stronger and mentally sharper with each step. But the stepping is critical. The starting means everything. When initiating a new endeavor we have never attempted before, it’s important to overcome fear and paralysis by making forward progress, however small. Action creates clarity.
Here’s what I mean: You can think and envision and ponder and predict what will or might happen when you start that new business, give that big presentation, run that marathon, or travel to Madagascar. But you won’t know, really know, what it’s like until you start. Experience is invaluable, and micro adjustments along the way are required, which is why action creates clarity.
Consider the acrobats in a Cirque du Soleil event. Their tremendous feats flying high above the arena are the result of hours and hours of careful and methodical training. You know this. But there was still a first time they leapt without a net. There was still a first time that an Olympic skiing long jumper launched off of a 90 meter jump. And there was also a first time you gave a presentation in front of fifty people, or gave a formal report to your executive team.
It’s often not fear of failure that hold us back, but rather fear of success. That’s right. Success is stepping out and doing something different, perhaps something different, or radical, from your peer group. We may feel isolated and alone in this new effort. And explaining where you have been, what you have accomplished may be looked on with scorn or fear or envy. You have stepped out. Accomplished something your peers and colleagues haven’t or aren’t interested in, and now you feel alone.
Fear of social and emotional isolation is the first hurdle to overcome on our way to taking on, and crushing, our own audacious challenges. Leaders recognize the fear of success, and then encourage and nurture bold thinking in others.
The greatest leaders, and our dearest friends, cheer us on when we try something new.
Demonstrate to others they are safe in following their ambitions. Cheer on and support your friends and colleagues when they step out and try something bold. True, they might bomb anyway, but make sure they don’t bomb because you made them feel like they don’t deserve to succeed.
Courage can be learned and courage can be practiced. The more we practice risk, the more we are able to take risks.
Innovation isn’t rocket science. It can be deconstructed and learned by anyone. Try our course Out•Innovate the Competition to build measurable innovation in your workplace.
Our company Mindscaling, is busy building powerful human and digital learning experiences for companies of all sizes. My new book Small Acts of Leadership, is a Washington Post bestseller! You can grab a copy now. Have a meeting coming up? I love to work with groups large and small. Let’s talk.
Last summer, my son and I bicycled across America with two other dads and their teenagers. We published a new book about it called Chasing Dawn. I co-authored the book with my cycling companion, the artist, photographer, and wonderful human jon holloway. Buy a copy. I’ll sign it and send it to your doorstep.
https://shawnhunter.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/07/joaquin-delgado-_Ze6o1Ed17A-unsplash.jpg7201280Shawn Hunterhttp://shawnhunter.wpengine.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/logo.pngShawn Hunter2015-07-10 09:36:322019-07-31 14:27:51When You Close One Door, Another Opens
The promotion you just got? A beautiful sunset with your family? That’s amateur stuff to be grateful for. The waiter just refilled your coffee? Oh, how considerate. You thank him. Now you feel warm and thoughtful.
Step up people. Try being grateful for losing a big contract, or your U12 soccer team getting crushed on Sunday. Good. Now go deeper. Your girlfriend just dumped you because the relationship was truly toxic. You write her a heartfelt letter of appreciation and gratitude. We’re getting there. See these events as precious gifts.
This is where the hard learning happens. This is where growth and development and renewal happens. My coaching friend Kirsten argues the greatest team bonding, life learning and development happens after the throes of humiliating defeat.
Did you know that both paraplegics and lottery winners – interviewed one year after their accident or winning the lottery, will both testify to the same personal level of happiness?
Robert Emmons, co-director of UC Berkeley’s Expanding Gratitude project writes, “It’s easy to feel grateful for the good things. No one ‘feels’ grateful that he or she has lost a job or a home or has taken a devastating hit on his or her retirement portfolio.”
If we can summon the strength to reframe a negative experience into a positive one, we can grow in our own self-development. If the relationship really was toxic and we have the strength to see through the emotional pain to be grateful that she was willing to confront it and end the relationship, then we can grow and move on.
The beggar on the street can show us how privileged we are. The cancer that infected our body can show us how grateful we are to be healthy. When we summon gratitude in the face of adversity, we turn meaningless cruelty into growth and strength.
Humor Heals
If the path to appreciating adversity is too great to surmount, or if the searing pain of defeat and rejection is just too powerful to be reflective and generous of spirit, let humor guide you.
Here’s what I mean. When you’re lost in the woods, have run out of water, and nightfall is approaching, tell a joke. Because humor heals. Humor combats fear.
Humor has the power to disengage our fears, and relaxes us. Behind a nervous chuckle is the sentiment, “We’re gonna get through this!” Humor also reduces stress and boosts the immune system.
I’m suggesting that often an easier path to finding gratitude in the face of adversity, strain and setback, is to start by finding humor. Even dark humor might be just the right antidote.
Try what Erik Weihenmayer calls Positive Pessimisms. It goes like this:
“We’ll be sitting out in a raging storm. We’ve gone a month without showers. The wind is driving snow directly into our faces, and I’m wondering what insanity led me to this nightmare in the first place. That’s when Chris will look up with a big cheesy smile on his face and say, “Sure is cold out here…but at least it’s windy.” Another time, we had been moving through the cold for ten hours, and we were all wasted. Chris turned to our team and said, “Boys, we sure have been climbing a long way…but at least we’re lost.” In the Khumbu Icefall, as Chris was halfway across his first ladder over a giant crevasse, he came out with the classic, “This ladder may be rickety…but at least it’s swingin’ in the breeze.”
“When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on. And swing!” – Leo Buscaglia
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Expressing appreciation for someone in your life can change your whole outlook. That’s right. Simply telling someone else how much you appreciate them will improve how you feel.
Jeffrey Froh, professor at Hofstra University, did this cool study in which he and his colleagues tracked students in eleven different classrooms, and divided them into three groups. For just a few minutes each day they were asked to:
Group 1. write down things they were grateful for at home and school
Group 2. write down things they found to be a hassle and not fun
Group 3. a control group they asked nothing of
Here are a few things Group 1 wrote down:
“My coach helped me out at baseball practice,”
“My grandma is in good health, my family is still together, my family still loves each other, my brothers are healthy, and we have fun everyday,”
“I am glad that my mom didn’t go crazy when I accidentally broke the patio table.”
After two weeks, the researchers measured their school performance and engagement from both the student’s perspective and the perspective of their teachers. Essentially, they found these students to be happier (by their own account), having more friends, and more engaged in their school work (by the teachers account), and…wait for it… they got better grades – better in comparison to their own previous performance. That’s after only two weeks. The researchers checked in three weeks later after the study was over and found the effects to be still present.
It gets even more powerful when you share your appreciation with someone directly and personally. In a powerful follow up study, students were asked to write a letter to a someone in their life whom they feel they may have never properly thanked. It could be a teacher, a coach, or a family friend.
The kids worked on their letters three times a week, for two weeks. They were asked to elaborate on their feelings, and to be increasingly specific in their writing about what the benefactor did that they were grateful for.
On the friday of the second week, the kids set up a meeting with the person to read the letter, out loud, to that person face-to-face.
According to Jeffrey Froh, “It was a hyperemotional exercise for them. Really, it was such an intense experience. Every time I reread those letters, I get choked up.” The positive outlook, and heightened engagement was still present when the researchers checked in with the kids 2 months later.
Maybe you can’t easily get your kids to write a letter of gratitude to someone in their life? Here’s a small and simple trick I learned from Dr. Karen Reivich, author of The Optimistic Child. Simply finish these sentences:
Someone who helped me get through a difficult time is _______
Someone who helped me learn something important about myself is _______
Someone with whom I can discuss the things that matter most to me is _______
If you can’t get your kids to write letters of appreciation, you can. Model the way. Pick someone in your life and send them a note of appreciation. Be specific. Or even better, pick up the phone or track them down in person and share your message. You will not only make their day, you will feel better yourself.
http://shawnhunter.wpengine.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/logo.png00Shawn Hunterhttp://shawnhunter.wpengine.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/logo.pngShawn Hunter2015-07-05 10:23:072021-11-23 09:18:23You Will Feel Happier When You Appreciate Others
I had several different bosses during the early years of writing ‘Dilbert.’ They were all pretty sure I was mocking someone else.
– Scott Adams
Every evening, all around the world, we come home from work, greet our partners, our kids, and have discussions. Discussions in the kitchen, at the dinner table, and before we go to bed.
Sometimes the topic is school grades, or upcoming trips, or what to bring to the Lowenstein’s barbecue. But often the subject of these discussions is the companies we work for, our colleagues, and our bosses. It’s long been known and understood that the quality of our work culture and our relationship with our bosses can affect our moods, our sense of optimism or despair at work, and even our health.
Toxic work environments, and in particular cruel bosses, have been linked to hypertension, elevated blood pressure, and even heart attacks. One woman I worked with in recent years had kidney stones clinically attributed to the stress of her work environment.
Toxic bosses are also responsible for the disposition of entire teams when they single out individuals for criticism. When a boss quietly and privately pulls someone aside to deliver critical or disparaging feedback, that individual absorbs the critical evaluation and then infects the rest of the team. According to recent studies replicated with teams in China and the United States, each individual criticized then becomes toxic and divisive to other team members. It’s true that asshole poisoning is contagious.
Seven in ten Americans say bosses and toddlers with too much power act similarly. In one study, 345 white-collar office workers described the most abusive and disruptive bosses in their lives as self-oriented, stubborn, overly-demanding, interruptive, impulsive, and prone to throwing tantrums.
Jujitsu: the use of the strength or weakness of an adversary to disable him.
If you work for a bosshole, try a few jujitsu tricks to use their own power against themselves.
Give Them Credit
If you have a boss who needs to be ‘right’ all the time, let them. I don’t mean to suggest you let them sabotage the project by pushing it in a ridiculous direction, but rather practice deep listening. Listen carefully to their ideas, and reiterate them back carefully to clarify what you heard. In the retelling they may, or may not, understand the fallacy of their reasoning. But either way, they were heard and acknowledged.
Bring Them Down to Earth
If you have a boss who paints grand visionary ideas without understanding the detail and the effort involved, ask them to get granular. Let them understand how their great sweeping vision plays out at the execution level of technology, marketing, and product re-design. Ask them who, specifically, they envision doing this work? What resources might need to be made available to cover contingencies, or hire outside help? By helping them understand the real effort involved, they will likely either abandon their idea, or roll up their sleeves and help. Probably the former.
Help Their Incompetence
It happens. Probably too often someone gets promoted to their level of incompetence. They are in over their head and resort to low level management tactics like examining the smallest detail, or scheduling meaningless meetings with no agenda. They are in the weeds. Help them. I know it hurts to think about it, but if you help guide their efforts, communication and help refocus their time and energy they will become an ally, and likely support your initiatives next time you suggest something.
https://shawnhunter.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/06/outthink_book-150x150.png150150Shawn Hunterhttp://shawnhunter.wpengine.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/logo.pngShawn Hunter2015-06-30 10:42:512018-03-31 15:54:56How to Stop Your Boss From Ruining Your Work
Most people don’t have that willingness to break bad habits. They have a lot of excuses and they talk like victims. – Carlos Santana
Last week I heard the most amazing behavioral science story. I goes like this:
Several years ago researchers working with monkeys confined five into a single enclosure. Each day they placed a banana at the top of a ladder. The monkey who first climbed and attempted to retrieve the banana was sprayed with cold water. And then the rest of the monkeys were also sprayed with cold water. Miserable.
After a few days, the monkeys started grabbing, holding and biting the monkey who attempted to get the banana, because of course everyone else would get doused with cold water. Pretty soon no one attempted to get the banana. They learned that they would get both sprayed with cold water, and attacked by their peers if they tried to climb the ladder. Both miserable outcomes.
Then one day the researchers removed one of the monkeys and brought in a new monkey. The very next day the new monkey raced to get the banana but was immediately set upon and attacked by the other monkeys who refused to allow him to reach the banana. WTF? What’s wrong with you monkeys?
After several days of repeatedly being held back, finally the new monkey succumbed to the culture and stopped trying to reach the banana each day.
Over time the researchers would remove one of the older monkeys and introduce a new one. And each time the new monkey was taught by his peers not to go for the banana. Until finally, all of the original monkeys had been rotated out and only newer monkeys, trained by their peers, remained in the cage.
And still no monkey attempted to get the banana each day. Yet no monkey in the cage had ever had the experience of being doused with cold water. There was no monkey in the enclosure who could ever explain or understand WHY nobody tried to get the banana. They all complied with this “rule” that had no logical origin.
The story is amazing, a poignant metaphor for our everyday lives. Immediately I started looking for the original study to read it, and write about it. It has fascinating implications for us, our teams, our workplaces, and our inability to question why we participate in the habits and rituals we do every day without even questioning them.
Here’s the thing. The story isn’t true. The experiment never existed. The study never happened. It was originally described in a business book twenty years ago, and repeated over and over by many others. I was disappointed but not surprised. The story is so plausible and compelling it begs to be told.
Like the banana story, we can easily get trapped into repetitive behaviors without ever asking why we do what we do. But like the banana story itself, we can sometimes find stories so compelling that they become folklore and repeated over and over until they become gospel truth without anyone ever questioning the origin.
Often we believe that if we try something new – attempt a novel experiment at work to improve a process or develop a new product – we will be met with rejection by our bosses and peers. So we stop trying.
Try something new today. Go out on a limb. Smash a barrier. Break taboo.
https://shawnhunter.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/06/confidence-540x270.jpg270540Shawn Hunterhttp://shawnhunter.wpengine.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/logo.pngShawn Hunter2015-06-15 09:53:432018-03-31 15:54:56An Amazing Story You Won't Believe
Following is the commencement address I gave on Saturday at my alma mater Wakefield School in Huntly, VA. The various comments below about amputees, homicide detectives, Native Americans, etc. are all references to their senior thesis papers. Enjoy.
Thank you to the faculty and administration of Wakefield School. Thank you to the parents, family and relatives attending today. Thank you to head of school Ms. Lindstrom for this kind invitation. And most importantly thank you to the Wakefield class of 2015 for your time this afternoon. For on this occasion we are gathered to acknowledge your hard work, perseverance and to celebrate this next chapter of your life.
For after all, a commencement means just that – it means to commence, to begin, to start anew, to set off. So this ceremony is certainly as much a beginning as it is a celebration of a closing.
Since I graduated from this school, on this campus 28 years ago and have since been out traveling, working, living in the world, I can report that the journey before you will be littered with problems to fix, and challenges to correct, wrongs to right. The world needs you.
However, I can also report that in my experience and my work I have learned that your generation is arguably one of the most sophisticated, knowledgeable, globally connected, astute, and indeed optimistic generations in some time.
As I discovered from reading your own senior thesis papers, you are already grappling with robotics, artificial intelligence, US-Chinese nutritional differences, self-identities of Native American cultures and even taking a hard look at depression, among many other important and meaningful issues.
You are clearly already in the thick of it, making a difference. Myself, having attended Wakefield School myself back in the day, I’m familiar with the kind of classes and preparation that might challenge you to take on such important issues.
I recall conjugating Latin verbs, studying medieval history and making replicas of the Parthenon – all in pursuit of that greatest of educations – a broad-reaching education steeped in classical languages with a deep respect and understanding of history and sciences. All to give you an expansive, thoughtful mind – a mind able to see varieties of perspectives and ideas. As the cliché goes, its supposed to be the kind of education which teaches you not skills per se, but rather of course “how to think.”
And this cliché has been worked over enough so you get the point that now finally – thanks in great part to Wakefield – you have figured out “how to think.” I hope you’re not offended that this has been interpreted to mean that previously you couldn’t think at all.
But this ability called “How to Think” is not enough. It’s not enough to see many sides of ideas and situations and circumstances because you must then choose “What to Think.” Because after you see all choices available you then must decide which ideas to give energy to, which ideas to strengthen by asking more questions. Yes, that’s right – simply inquiring after an idea gives it greater strength and value.
So when for example in your own papers, you consider the economic merits versus the environmental evils of Fracking, or perhaps becoming a musical historian, you are giving value to that choice simply by asking the question.
Because remember that while you can indeed do almost anything, you can’t do everything. You will have to make choices along the way. So the small bits of advice I have to share are on how to go about thinking about these choices we make every day, consciously or unconsciously.
If we start with this premise that anything, yes anything is possible, this encourages the notion that the world exists for us to excel within, for us to make our mark, get our just rewards, achieve our better ends, and accomplish whatever we set our minds to.
And I think that the idea that now embarking upon this next chapter of your life that you can get anything you set your mind to misses the mark, it falls short.
And here’s why: When we believe that with the right amount of perseverance we can get whatever we want out of life, that idea plays to our default settings to satisfy our own aspirations, our own needs, our own wants,..
What happens is that we frame our constant dialogue we have in our heads to see people, circumstances, events, surroundings all in terms of either allies or obstacles in our quest for whatever it is we are after. Because after all, we start this world, and live this world, and see this world, interpreting events and listening to others through the lens our own eyes and the arguments we make in our own minds. Our default setting is WIIFM? What’s in it for me?
Here’s a little parable about this idea:
A young woman is waiting in a busy airport. She has some time to kill so she buys a little bag of cookies and sits down with her book to read. Pretty soon a young man comes and sits beside her and starts reading a magazine. They keep to themselves and after a minute he reaches into the bag between them and takes a cookie.
She can’t believe it, but she’s too astonished to say anything so she takes a cookie and keeps reading her book. Time goes by and she keeps reading and eating her cookies. But every couple minutes this strange guy keep reaching in to the bag and taking a cookie until there’s only one left. Then he takes the last cookie, breaks it in two and offers her half. She can’t believe his gall! She stands up, and without a word boards her flight.
Sitting in her seat on the plane she can’t believe this guy. Then she reaches into her purse to get our book out and finds the bag of cookies she bought earlier.
The moral of course is to be careful of our assumptions. Or better, assume best intentions.
So the real question to constantly be asking is not what can I gain, but what can I contribute. Not what can I get, but what can I give. Not how can this person hurting or even helping my goals, but rather how can I help this person before me. And to frame the whole goal thing in terms of “what is necessary along the way for me to make the greatest impact?”
So if the end goal is to help alleviate clinical depression, then along the way it might be helpful to become a counselor or psychiatrist, or pharmacologist, and you might be adored, celebrated, and paid well for your efforts and degrees, but remember that’s not the point.
Or if the goal is to help amputees better take advantage of available technologies to be more physically mobile, capable, or to be able to live independently, then along the way you might be to become a roboticist or an entrepreneur, and enjoy interesting travel and famous colleagues, but again that’s not the point.
Or maybe if you want to rid the world of serial killers you might have to go to a police academy and become a detective, and one day the mayor will hang a medal around your neck and give you the keys to the city. But again, that was never goal. The goal is to make a difference.
You get the idea, that whatever place you go or dreams you wish to accomplish, I encourage you to frame that aspiration in terms of what it will allow you to accomplish for someone else, or in service of what positive end.
Any other alternative is a trap.
If you wish to be smarter than anyone else, then you never will be, because someone will always have more degrees, accolades and a higher Mensa score than you. And if the goal is to be rich, you will forever feel poor. And of course if the goal is fame you need only look to the Kardashians to agree there is no amount of personal disclosure that can keep up with them.
That’s my first piece of advice. Always consider your goals in terms of what positive social impact you can make. Sure, you can certainly enjoy winnings and triumphs come along the way, but play the long game.
So yes, read that famous graduation book by Dr. Seuss “O The Places You Will Go”. And envision and dream of those places you will go, but in your dreaming see yourself not getting just the applause, the success, the fame, but instead envision what you are contributing, what you are giving that will make a measurable difference in the lives of others.
And here’s my final piece of advice – which will be difficult to follow. It’s going to take some serious effort to follow this one.
After you have applied your great ability of how to think and you are heading into What to Think, ask someone who has been there, done that.
Here’s what I mean. Say you are trying to figure out whether to be a nutritionist, or a homicide detective, and you spend a lot of time researching and thinking about the effort it will require, the impact you might be able to make in the world, and maybe even considering how much it pays. Do this: ask someone who has done it and consider very seriously following their advice.
That seems like a simple and obvious thing to do. But here’s why it’s difficult. When you are considering anything like changing majors, visiting your boyfriend in Idaho or dropping chemistry, you may ask someone who has done it and they may tell you. And you will plug that opinion into your head and then think “But they aren’t me.” “My situation is different.” “They are nothing like me.” “How would they know if I would like it or not?” And so on.
And the reason you will discount their opinion goes back to that default setting I mentioned earlier.
Our initial reaction and belief is that we are unique and very different than they are. And I will suggest to you, that we are all more similar than you may believe. We all carry similar hopes, aspirations, fears, doubts, and even annoyances.
And the more we work to understand others with empathy and kindness, the greater progress I believe we can make toward the first of advice which was making a difference. In fact, did you know the #1 most desirable trait when looking for a spouse, a mate in life? It’s not beauty, it’s not money, it’s not even intelligence which came in at #2. The #1 most desirable characteristic when seeking out a mate in life, is kindness.
I want to quote from one of your own thesis papers. I intend to honor, not embarrass, Ms. Ashlyn Ramey who is graduating today. But to quote her own senior thesis on the subject of Lakota Indians living today in America. Ms. Ramey writes:
“According to the novelist Chimamanda Adichie, ‘a single story creates stereotypes, and the problem with stereotypes is not that they are untrue, but that they are incomplete.’ When we stereotype others, we reduce them. We imprison them in our own small view, a dark and tiny place with no light and no room for growth.”
Isn’t that the truth. When we only see the world through our own fixed lens and refuse to listen deeply and empathetically to those we encounter along this path of life, we reduce and belittle them.
And so to close, my encouragement to you all is:
You can do anything, but not everything – Consider thoughtfully what to think about and ask and trust others what to give your energy to
Measure your success by what you give and not what you get for it will make everyone – yourself included – happier in the long run
Give compassion and kindness as generously as you can.
Remain fiercely optimistic
Thank you and good luck.
https://shawnhunter.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/06/Airport-Waiting-Area-300x192.jpg192300Shawn Hunterhttp://shawnhunter.wpengine.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/logo.pngShawn Hunter2015-06-08 08:36:142019-03-25 13:14:47The Four Things I Believe Will Make You Happy and Successful
A young woman is waiting in a busy airport. She has some time to kill so she buys a little bag of cookies and sits down with her book to read. Pretty soon a young man comes and sits beside her and starts reading a magazine. They keep to themselves and after a couple minutes he reaches into the bag between them and takes a cookie.
She can’t believe it. But she’s too astonished to say anything. So she takes a cookie and keeps reading her book. Time goes by and she keeps reading and eating her cookies. But every couple minutes this strange guy keep reaching in the bag and taking a cookie until there’s only one left. Then he takes the last cookie, breaks it in two and offers her half. She can’t believe his guy! She stands up, and without a word to him, walks away and boards her flight.
Sitting in her seat on the plane she takes a deep breath to calm down. Then she reaches into her purse to get her book and finds the bag of cookies she bought earlier.
The moral of course is to be careful with our assumptions. Or better, always assume the best intentions of others.
Whatever anybody says or does, assume positive intent. You will be amazed at how your whole approach to a person or problem becomes very different.
– Indra Nooyi, Chairman and CEO of Pepsi
To sharpen your ability to assume the best intentions of others, try these few things each day:
Practice mindful listening: Waiting to talk isn’t listening. You’ve had these conversations. You say something and instead of acknowledgement or affirmation you get back a completely different agenda because the other person was simply waiting for their turn to talk. Listen, then reiterate back in your own words. It will deepen the conversation, and the relationship. The other person is likely to say, “Yes, exactly!”
Focus on behaviors, not people: Instead of describing a person as (abrasive, fun, mean, weird, interesting…), describe their behavior. People are complex, and the days are filled with stresses and joys. To yourself and to others, describe the behavior of others, instead of belittling them with stereotypes. Moods change.
Honor differences and disagreements: We often having meaningless small talk conversations because they are easy. We all show up in the world with our own history, predispositions, and beliefs. And we know if we express those ideas we might create conflict and disagreement. It’s OK. There’s a difference between disagreeing and offending. When we set our defaults to listen and understand, we are more likely to honor and learn from the differences between us.
Sounds simple enough, but there is often a big gap between what we know to be the best thing to do, and actually doing it. Remember to assume the best in others. It can make a world of difference.
Change starts one small act at a time. Try our course Small Acts of Leadership to build action into your life every single day.
Our company Mindscaling, is busy building powerful human and digital learning experiences for companies of all sizes. My new book Small Acts of Leadership, is a Washington Post bestseller! You can grab a copy now. Have a meeting coming up? I love to work with groups large and small. Let’s talk.
Last summer, my son and I bicycled across America with two other dads and their teenagers. We published a new book about it called Chasing Dawn. I co-authored the book with my cycling companion, the artist, photographer, and wonderful human jon holloway. Buy a copy. I’ll sign it and send it to your doorstep.
https://shawnhunter.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/06/aaron-burden-82797-unsplash.jpg23104107Shawn Hunterhttp://shawnhunter.wpengine.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/logo.pngShawn Hunter2015-06-04 09:37:222019-05-30 06:48:42Assume Best Intentions
I recently interviewed Gene Klein, 87-year old holocaust survivor, born in Czechoslovakia in 1928. In our interview as he vividly recounted the horrors of the experience, the only time he became emotional and tearful was when he was consumed with gratitude and recollected small acts of kindness – a guard who gave him portions of food, inmates who gave him hope, or a German engineer who protected him briefly from hard labor.
Kindness can be one of the most powerful and enduring gestures we can make to others. I’ll never forget feeling lost and alone at summer camp and a young counselor invited me to sit on his bunk and read Jaws with him. I’m certain that wherever he is in the world, he has no recollection of it. But I do.
Kindness is a hard-wired part of the human identity. Researcher Dr. Michael Tomasello, who studies human behavior, demonstrated that infants and toddlers instinctively show concern and compassion for those in need or distress. In their study, they took 56 two-year-olds and broke them into three groups. All groups witnessed an adult drop an object, and struggle to pick it up.
One group of toddlers was allowed to intervene and try to help the adult. Toddlers in another group were held back from helping by their parents. The third group watched as another adult stepped in to help. The group that showed the highest distress and concern was the group that was restrained and not permitted to help. Over ninety percent of those toddlers who were permitted to help, attempted to.
Another thing: kindness is contagious. It turns out both positive and negative behaviors are contagious. Bullying begets bullying. Teasing begets teasing. But Nicholas Christakis and James Fowler have been studying community behaviors and found that positive prosocial behaviors spread much more rapidly than negative behaviors.
Not only that, researcher David Buss studied 10,000 people in 37 countries to figure out the most powerful attractor for those looking for a mate. Money? Yes, somewhat. Beauty? Yes, it matters – more to men than women. Intelligence? Yes, right up there at #2.
But the #1 characteristic desired around the world when looking for a long-term relationship was kindness and compassion to others. Reach out. Practice kindness every day. It will make you and everyone around you happier and healthier.
Shawn Hunter is President and Founder of Mindscaling, a company building powerful human and digital learning experiences based on the work of best-selling authors. My new book Small Acts of Leadership, is a Washington Post bestseller! You can grab a copy now. Have a meeting coming up? Let’s talk.
Last summer, my son and I bicycled across America with two other dads and their teenagers. We published a new book about it called Chasing Dawn. I co-authored the book with my cycling companion, the artist, photographer, and wonderful human jon holloway. Grab a copy. I’ll sign it and send it to your doorstep.
https://shawnhunter.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/05/evan-kirby-101570-unsplash-e1546894791701.jpg16672500Shawn Hunterhttp://shawnhunter.wpengine.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/logo.pngShawn Hunter2015-05-26 08:58:122019-01-07 16:02:37Kindness is the Killer App
Leadership presence requires being present.
– Scott Eblin
Pressure to be more productive in today’s workplace was been escalating for years. And many of us have a false impression that by attempting to do many things at once, by multitasking, we are being more productive.
Car and Driver magazine wanted to figure out just how dangerous texting and driving can be, compared to drunk driving. So they rented an 11,800 foot airport runway in the middle of Michigan and put Jordan (22 years old) and Eddie (37) behind the wheel.
They rigged up a red light in the middle of the windshield to represent brake lights in front of the driver. A passenger had a little remote control to activate the light randomly and measure their response times. They tested the drivers at both 35mph and 70mph. The average reaction time while sober and paying attention was .54 seconds to start braking. Now they had a sober baseline.
Then they asked the drivers to pick up their smartphone and A) read funny quotes from Caddyshack and then B) text funny quotes from Caddyshack while driving. Reaction times varied of course, but all were worse than the undistracted versions of themselves. Some were considerably worse. Reaction times shown below in distance traveled:
Reading Caddyshack quotes: up to 188 feet before reacting
Texting Caddyshack quotes: up to 319 feet before reacting
Then they took a break and chilled out on the tarmac to get a good buzz on. They mixed up some vodka and OJ and goofed away an hour or so until the drivers blew a .08 on the breathalyzer. Then they repeated the test. Reaction travel distances shown below:
Driving with BAC of .08: add up to 7 feet (at 35 mph)
Driving with BAC of .08: add up to 17 feet (at 70 mph)
That’s right. It’s not even close. Reading or texting on your smartphone is way more impairing than driving drunk. The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration puts the official estimate at 6x more dangerous than driving drunk. The Car and Driver experiment puts it at more like 16x.
Driving is second nature to most of us. It just requires paying attention and following the traffic rules. Obviously texting impairs that. But what about our work? Active listening, mental processing, creative engagement, and problem-solving all require much higher cognitive and collaborative participation. So, when we are texting and emailing while in meetings, or on conference calls, what’s our impairment level? 20x? 30x?
Or a better question might be “What’s the business opportunity loss when the people in my company are constantly distracted?”
It’s not news to anyone that multitasking is debilitating in many ways. The simple action of switching from one task to another is in itself, a cognitive drain. Not only that, simply attempting to multitask lowers your IQ performance to that of nearly an 8-year old.
And while 8-year olds are definitely creative, they are only creative when they’re paying attention.
Put the phone down and no one gets hurt.
https://shawnhunter.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/04/businesswoman-sitting-540x360.jpg360540Shawn Hunterhttp://shawnhunter.wpengine.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/logo.pngShawn Hunter2015-04-27 20:38:362018-03-31 15:54:56The False Promise of Multitasking
Shawn Hunter is the author of Out•Think: How Innovative Leaders Drive Exceptional Outcomes. It’s about how to lead joyfully in life, and also to lead cultures in your company to drive awesome results.
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