The Importance of Showing Up

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ridebikeFrom the kitchen window Christopher could see his wife was getting frustrated. Over and over again, Dana was running awkwardly, hunched over, down the driveway while holding on to the back to Will’s bicycle. At the time, six year old Will was still terrified of riding without his training wheels, or without his Mom holding him up. Christopher watched as his wife and son repeated the same failed routine again.

Finally, Dana came inside exhausted and frustrated. Christopher Reeve said to his wife, “Let me try.” He rolled his wheelchair gently down the ramp outside and onto the driveway where his son was wiping away tears. Christopher spoke to his son slowly. Since the accident his voice had become soft and measured. He told Will to place both hands on the handlebars and hold them steady. He explained by doing this the bike wouldn’t shake as much. He told Will to look up, far ahead, to where he was going and not down at the pedals or the front wheel. He told his son to first place his right foot on the pedal and his left foot on the ground, prepared and poised to push hard.

Will froze. Then Christopher reminded his son that he would never let him do anything too scary or dangerous – that riding a bike was something he knew Will could do. He told Will he was going to count to three, and on three, it was time to go. Christopher counted slowly and when he reached three, Will pushed off hard and rode down and around the driveway. The first time he circled back, his face was a mask of concentration and focus, and the second time around his face only reflected joy.

In his book, Nothing is Impossible, Christopher Reeve writes that before the accident that left him paralyzed he was a whirlwind of activity. He constantly took his family sailing, horseback riding, traveling, hiking and adventuring around the world. He writes that he never really asked if they wanted to go, he just took them. And after the accident he learned to listen. He learned to speak to them where they were, at their level, with a deep sense of empathy.

Christopher writes that prior to his accident he would not have believed that he could teach his son to ride a bike simply by talking to him. Teaching was about showing, demonstrating, and leading the way. But during his recovery process, he learned the power of conversations, words, intention and meeting people at an intersection of where they are ready to learn. Because each day the physicians and care-takers around him would introduce an idea or an activity that he was ready to tackle, or else it would fall unnoticed. It’s all about introducing learning opportunities when people are ready to learn.

An important nuance of excellent leaders is that they have the capacity to recognize when someone else is ready to go to the next level – ready to take on a new challenge. And instead of doing it for them, encourage their heart and prepare them to make that leap. And it starts by simply showing up and being willing to share your skills and experience.

The Power of the Humility Effect

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“The X-factor of great leadership is not personality, it’s humility.”
– Jim Collins

I’ll be honest. He wasn’t my first pick. Near the top yes, but he didn’t have my vote. Our small selection committee was trying to choose a keynote speaker for a big event and General Stanley McCrystal was on the short list. I think my gut instinct was that while he was indeed a highly decorated and remarkable leader in his own right, he might not connect in a human and honest way with our audience. I was concerned he would be aloof, imperious, unapproachable.

I got it all wrong. From the moment he arrived, General “call me Stan” McCrystal was gracious, funny, insightful, and willing to share his expertise with humility. Backstage before his presentation, he was generous with his ideas and time, and onstage at the beginning of his presentation he made several amusing self-deprecating jokes about his own professional blunders. Immediately, everyone liked and appreciated his presentation. He was polished, but not distant. Provocative, yet not condescending.

Every time I open up Adam Grant’s book Give and Take, I find some new intriguing piece of research and insight. Most recently, I was captivated by Grant’s description of a study called The Joy of Talking. In this case, now I understand the background behind one of the reasons why General McCrystal is so effective. It’s called the pratfall effect. It was a study conducted by Elliot Aronson at the University of California back in 1966. Basically what he discovered is that highly competent, often superior performing people become more likable when they have a social mishap befall them. It makes them more human, more likable.

Which led me to another study about how people make a positive impression in a more common workplace experience such as a professional interview or sales proposal. As Joanne Silvester and her colleagues confirmed, interview candidates who accept personal responsibility for past mistakes are regarded as stronger candidates than those who instead point to external circumstances beyond their control.

Saying, “I didn’t get the deal because I didn’t prepare well enough” will receive a much more favorable impression on others than saying, “I didn’t get the deal because the competitor’s proposal was stronger” or, “I didn’t get the deal because the requirements changed.”

When we accept personal accountability, with a recognition that we have the ability to make a positive influence on events, relationships and circumstances, we are more likely to leave a positive impression on others. We also develop and reinforce the belief and habit that our actions matter. And when we believe our actions matter, we are more likely to make positive, constructive decisions.

Beware the Joy of Talking

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Several years ago, a young professor named James Pennebaker at the University of Virginia conducted a series of experiments with his new classes. He would divide them up into groups for just 15 minutes, and ask them to talk about anything they liked. These groups were comprised of students who didn’t know one another, so as you might imagine they talked about their home towns, how they got to the university, what they were studying, and so on. After the group broke up he would ask them to estimate how much talking each person did in the group, how much they enjoyed their group, and how much they learned from others in the group.

Consistently, those who did most of the talking claimed to have learned the most, and liked their peers the most. It seemed the more they talked, the happier they were about the people around them. In fact, as he repeated the experiment he discovered that the larger the group, the greater the effect and the more the biggest talker liked the group. And the effect diminished as the group got smaller, to the point that in a one-to-one conversation, if someone dominated the conversation they both reported disliking it.

Which leads us to an idea Charles Derber coined as “conversational narcissism.” It’s the kind of conversational trap in which we tend to lead the conversation toward our own interests, ideas and concerns. Someone says their child is playing the trombone, and the narcissist says, “Oh, I used to play the trombone. Let me tell you about it.” And off you go for half of an hour lost in memories of their middle school band.

To leave a conversation with both yourself and other people energized, enthused, and even provoked, use supportive assertions and supportive questions. A supportive assertion could be an evaluation such as “That’s awesome!”, or a comment such as “You should check out this article on that.” But even better is something Derber calls the supportive question, which shows active interested engagement in the conversation. A supportive question encourages and deepens the conversation. So the next time someone mentions their child plays the trombone, try saying, “Wow, that’s a difficult instrument. How did she develop an interest in that?”

(You might also enjoy this in-depth article on Charles Derber’s work)

When you give thanks, you grow

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The results were clear: Higher levels of optimism, increased life satisfaction, and decreased negative feelings were all associated with students’ expressions of gratitude.
– Jeffrey Froh, Professor, Hofstra University

Recently, at dinner in our house, we went around the table and mentioned a few things we like about school, our work, our music lessons, our soccer practice, whatever…There aren’t any rules or expectations that we need to talk about loving math or writing, or commuting to work. The kids are free to say they like riding the bus or lunchtime, and I might mention an interesting discussion with someone at work. The point is simply to bring positive experiences, people, and moments to the forefront. And by retelling these experiences we reinforce them and associate these emotions with our work, school and learning experiences.

This kind of intentional thinking, reflection, and sharing of gratitude has demonstrated repeatedly in studies to be linked to helping individuals become socially effective communicators, proactive in building positive social interactions and developing higher levels of on-the-job, on-the-field, and in-the-classroom performance.

For example, Jeffrey Froh, Hofstra University, did this cool study in which he and his colleagues, tracked students in 11 classrooms, and divided them into three groups, asking them for just a few minutes each day to:

  • Group 1. write down things they were grateful for at home and school
  • Group 2. write down things they found to be a hassle and not fun (irritants)
  • Group 3. a control group they asked nothing of

The first group wrote things like: “My coach helped me out at baseball practice,” “My grandma is in good health, my family is still together, my family still loves each other, my brothers are healthy, and we have fun everyday,” and “I am grateful that my mom didn’t go crazy when I accidentally broke a patio table.”

After two weeks, the researchers measured their school performance and engagement from both their perspective and the perspective of their teachers. Essentially, they found these students to be happier (by their own account), having more friends, and more engaged in their work (by the teachers account), and…wait for it, they got better grades – better in comparison to their own previous performance. That’s after only two weeks. The researchers checked in three weeks later after the study was over and found the effects to be still present.

In a powerful follow up study, students were asked to write a letter to a benefactor that feel they may have never properly thanked. It could be a teacher, a coach, or a family friend. The kids worked on their letters three times a week, for two weeks, elaborating on their feelings, and being increasingly specific in their writing about what the benefactor did that they were grateful for. On the friday of the second week, the kids set up a meeting with the person to read the letter, out loud, to that person face-to-face.

According to Jeffrey Froh, “It was a hyperemotional exercise for them. Really, it was such an intense experience. Every time I reread those letters, I get choked up.” And the positive outlook, and heightened engagement was still present when the researchers checked in with the kids 2 months later.

Maybe you can’t easily get your kids to write a letter of gratitude to someone in their life. Here’s a small and simple trick I learned from Dr. Karen Reivich, author of The Optimistic Child. Simply finish these sentences:
• ―Someone who helped me get through a difficult time is _______
• ―Someone who helped me learn something important about myself is _______
• ―Someone with whom I can discuss the things that matter most to me is _______

 

Connect with Purpose, and Connect with Results

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Here is a brief excerpt from OutThink on the power of integrating the human factor in our work. Enjoy!

TurnerThe profession of radiology has been progressing over the past fifty years in terms of how people are trained, the equipment and technology used, and immediacy of feedback.

Yet despite these advances, error rates often remain statistically significant and frustratingly high depending on the type of reading performed – bone density, chest radiographs, mammograms, gastrointestinal, and beyond. According to Imaging Economics, the reading error rate can vary from 2% to as high as 20%, depending on the scan, the clinician, the environment, and even the time of day. And up to eighty percent of the errors are perceptual errors. That is, the information was present and shown on the film or scan, but not identified and seen by the radiologist.

Yehonatan Turner, M.D., was a radiology resident at Shaare Zedek Medical Center in Jerusalem in 2008 when he decided to experiment with humanizing the process of reading radiology scans, to learn what affect it might have on the quality of the reading and the error rate of the clinicians. He and his colleagues performed an experiment in which they asked 267 patients for their permission to be photographed before their CT scans. A Computed Tomography scan is a more detailed X-Ray exam that focuses on a specific part of the body and yields a more detailed image of what’s inside the body.

Those 267 patient photos were submitted within a total of 1,137 CT examinations and would automatically be presented to the radiologist when evaluating the scan. Seventeen radiologists performed the readings and the results were quite surprising:
   • 80% of incidental findings were not reported when the photo was omitted with the scan
   • Radiologists reported a greater sense of empathy and care when evaluating the scan
   • Duration of scan evaluation did not increase

Anecdotal comments included, “The patient photograph prompted me to relate in more detail to the CT” and “It enabled me to feel more of a physician.”

In other words, accuracy went up, empathy went up, sense of connection with the patient went up, and there was no additional time required. Remember the end result – the purpose – and your impact will soar.

Learning not to be a jerk

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Following is a fun excerpt from OutThink…enjoy!

school-bus-stop-colorI have a confession. I used to be a tyrant in the morning. Tyrant might be an exaggeration (or not), but my recollection is that while getting the kids ready for school I spent all of my energy cajoling, prodding, pleading, scolding, and sometimes ranting at my kids to get ready – to put on their shoes, eat their breakfast, brush their teeth, get dressed, put their lunch in their backpacks…, because the bus is coming! My wife has a different, and more effective style, but on my mornings to handle bus time I would conduct diatribes on the inevitability of the bus, and harangue them that unlike procrastinating getting in the car, the bus is coming at an appointed time and they needed to hurry up!

One evening after berating myself again for being an ogre of a parent, I decided that the next morning I just wasn’t going to behave that way again. I resolved that regardless of whether they missed the bus or not, I simply was not going to be a jerk to my kids. While a nice idea, it did require I try something else.

I decided I would simply advise them of the time and ask them what the next steps were. So instead of, “Get your lunch in your bag!” I might say, “Looks like we have about 14 minutes. Is your bag ready?” Or if Annie asked me to play Taylor Swift songs on the kitchen iPod stereo, I might say “Well, we have about 20 minutes, do you think we have time?” Sometimes she decided we did have time to listen to Taylor Swift, sometimes not.

It really worked. We had a few close calls, the first few days, but it worked. I would simply point out the time, and almost immediately they learned to watch the clock and developed an awareness of when the bus would arrive (our bus is quite punctual). My whole demeanor changed from dictatorial bus baron to simply asking what was left on their check list in the next X minutes. I would ask if they brushed their teeth or packed their homework, but in an inquisitive way, not as a command. I’m also convinced this morning behavior shift worked because I truly didn’t care if they missed the bus. I was completely prepared to drive them, but I never admitted it out loud. I kept up the shared expectation that we always ride the bus, I just shifted the accountability from me to them. Making the bus became their responsibility; I was just there to help the process.

Believe me, we don’t claim to be model parents, and I find it almost impossible to manage the logistics of our lives these days (last night I missed a soccer meeting by an hour…), but now in the morning we have four kids successfully making two different bus times and very rarely miss it. They watch the clock, punch the list, and make the bus.

According to a study at Duke University, almost 45 percent of our daily activity is habitual. It wasn’t easy to stop barking orders at my kids. It had become an ingrained habit.

In equal parts we have to selectively abandon past behavior, carry on with what works, and pick up new habits and actions.

The bicycle of relationships

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best-cycling-poster-817-1My wife and I often like to go running, sometimes together, sometimes not. Recently we were home on a lazy Sunday with our seven year old daughter and it was getting late in the day. We were losing daylight for us to trade runs, one after the other. So I suggested our daughter, Annie, go with us on her bicycle. And so she did.

We were a little skeptical at first that she would be able to ride the five or six miles we wanted to run. But there she was, the entire journey, happily pedaling in front, in flip flops, singing and encouraging us to keep up. With us sweating and running behind, she clearly had no problem leading the way. On a bike, our little daughter was considerably faster.

Steve Jobs has a wonderful presentation he gave years ago in which he invokes a study showing how humans on bicycles are more efficient travelers than even the highest in the animal kingdom, the condor. He references a Scientific American study which found humans to be fairly average in terms of locomotion efficiency, but off the charts when on a bicycle. Jobs called the computer the “bicycle for the mind.”

I think the same is true when we add communication and trust to relationships. I had an interview with Howard Behar, former President of Starbucks who said, “At the end of the day it’s probably the only thing that matters in any organization. Whether it’s your family or your work, trust is the engine of a great life.”

Trust can be the bicycle to drive great relationships.

In an interview with Paul Stebbins, CEO of World Fuel Services, he talked about a powerful early life experience involving trust. Stebbins had worked for a gas station in Texas for almost three years, starting at the age of 13. The gas station owner was a local man, known to everyone in town. On Paul’s 16th birthday, the owner threw him the keys to the shop, asked him to close up as usual at 9:00 p.m., got in his car, and drove home. Paul recalls being deeply humbled and appreciative of this act of complete trust:

If I do anything, as long as I live, it will be to have that same trust for somebody in my life as well. It certainly changed my view of the world, and I’ll never forget it. I was, you know, ten feet off the ground and so proud that somebody would actually trust me with that. But I felt a real sense of responsibility, and that’s ultimately the core of it, is the risk to give somebody the freedom to be responsible is a remarkable thing.

Beat Your Own Awesomeness, Lead by Doing

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einstein-making-a-differenceFirst ask yourself, “Do I behave with high integrity?” The majority of us would respond that yes, we do.

Now ask yourself, “Do my colleagues share my same high level of integrity?” A far fewer number of people would agree that their colleagues and peers possess our own elevated level of integrity.

Why? Because we confuse our intention with our action. We can get intoxicated on how fabulous we are and confuse that with the actual impact we are making in the world. It’s the same reason 80% of executives believe their company creates a superior product in the marketplace, while only 8% of their own customers would agree. Or why 86% of MBA students believe they are better looking than their classmates. Or why almost all of us think we are better drivers than everyone else.

To overcome our own awesomeness, and to lead from a place of credibility, try these two tricks

First, Lead by Doing: If you ask the five people on your team, each individually, how much they each contributed to the last project, the total will be well over 100%. Because we all overestimate our own value. Get over yourself. You aren’t above doing the dishes, cleaning the sink, or taking out the trash. True, others around you have become better at managing projects, or generating marketing copy, or advising on the user experience…but by walking a mile in someone’s shoes you’ll learn quite a bit about the effort and value of everyone’s contribution.

Now, Only Do What Only You Can Do: Now that you know the reality of what it’s like to get the monthly newsletter out, or write 500 words of PR copy, you understand it isn’t a cakewalk. In a conversation with Lisa Vos of Melbourne Business School, she explained that the next key to developing oneself if to find our most compelling signal in the noise and to accentuate it. That is, in order to develop distinct value, we need to emphasis and develop that which only we can do with distinction.

The New Reciprocity: Give and Forget

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GivingI was listening to a podcast yesterday of Adam Grant talking about his new book Give and Take. If you’re familiar with the book, in it he writes about “Dormant Ties.” Dormant ties are those people whom you have known in your life – professionally or personally – but have fallen off your radar and disappeared into your past. These are also people with whom you can easily kick-start the relationship because you have a long history and can skip the getting-acquainted part of relationship building. They will have an emotional memory of you already.

As Grant writes in his book, researchers working with executives asked them to solicit business advice not only from those close and respected colleagues, but also from former colleagues with whom they had no contact with for at least three years. Once the executives begrudgingly agreed to contact two former colleagues (their dormant ties) and ask a few questions of advice, they discovered it was the dormant ties who offered the most valuable and insightful bits of advice and information, not those closest to them.

This morning I was listening to Ken Coleman‘s podcast in which Tim Sanders was describing his “morning devotional.”  Each morning, before checking email – the electronic debt machine – he pauses to reflect and give thanks to people who have been greatly helpful to him recently. Then he reaches out to two people in his life to help. Maybe it’s an introduction, or a recommendation, or an insight he can offer in their work. Whatever it is, Tim tries to make it relevant and valuable, and never with any expectation of return. He calls this exercise Give and Forget.

Here’s the mash-up idea. Resusitate a dormant tie from your past and instead of asking for a favor, give something: an idea, a recommendation, an introduction, a compliment…and then let go. The point of this exercise is not to trade value with someone from your past, or mine your network. The point is to add value to the community. I’m making a habit of it.

Listen thoughtfully, carefully, mindfully…then do something

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Success is not the result of spontaneous combustion. You must first set yourself on fire.
—Reggie Leach

This idea was a kick in the pants. Lately I feel like I’ve been inundated with admonitions to listen carefully, deeply, mindfully…Pick your guru and each will say, start with listening.

  • Stephen Covey: “Pass the torch and listen.”
  • Susan Scott: “Waiting to talk is not listening.”
  • Keith Ferrazzi: “When you ask someone’s opinion, your next job is to listen and give a damn.”
  • Marshall Goldsmith: “Let go of ‘yes, but…’ – stop adding too much value and listen.”
  • Warren Bennis: “Ask a probing question and then listen.”
  • David Whyte: “The conversation IS the relationship.”

We had a conversation last week with Jennifer Kahnweiler, an expert on developing introverted people into powerful (and quiet) leaders. She has a segment in her book in which she addresses the downside of always listening. As she points out, when you are engaged in deep listening, by definition, you aren’t sharing information and knowledge, and you aren’t doing anything. When, of course, it’s the doing that translates into shared value and innovation.

Certainly in a state engaged listening, you are developing a heightened sense of situational understanding and honing your emotional fluency. Yet, if you are constantly operating in a listening mode – mindful or not, Jennifer points out a few pitfalls in her new book, Quiet Influence:

Loss of credibility: If you are constantly listening and not contributing, your colleagues and peers might begin to believe you have nothing to offer or contribute to the discussion.

Conflict avoidance: While engaged in mindful listening, you’ll certainly develop a stronger emotional fluency of your collaborators and can begin to sense divergent ideas, or conflicting mindsets on the team. If you don’t speak up to point these out, you’re losing a valuable opportunity to resolve potential conflicts.

Unproductive conversations: Collaboration needs to be reciprocal. When you fail to contribute based on what you’ve learned while listening, the conversation stalls and becomes unproductive.

Unheard ideas: And of course, you’re going to miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. However ridiculous your idea may be, your collaborator – and the world – will never know your ideas if you don’t speak up.

Take a chance. Ask a question, express an opinion, build a prototype. Fail forward.