Does your boss have a sense of humor?

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Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives.

– Sue Murphy

Forty years ago Norman Cousins, editor of the Saturday Review, had been given six months to live. He’d been diagnosed with a painful, degenerative disease of the spine. Although Cousins was in constant agony and succumbing to paralysis, he checked himself out of the hospital (which he deemed “no place for sick people”) and moved into a hotel.

He began taking high doses of Vitamin C and prescribing himself a regular regimen of intense laughter. Watching Marx brothers videos and stacks of his favorite funny movies, he laughed and laughed every day. He discovered that the periods immediately following intense laughter had the strongest effect in easing his pain, and calming his mind.

He recovered from his illness and went on to write several books on the healing power of laughter.

Even though constant disruptive laughter is the bane of every elementary teacher, the benefits of laughter are now well known. It wasn’t always that way. In the mid-18th century, Lord Chesterfield, a public advisor on morality, proclaimed: “In my mind there is nothing so ill-bred as audible laughter.” In 1903, psychologist William McDougall wrote that situations which incite laughter are essentially unpleasant.

But we now know that laughter increases blood flow, reduces stress, decreases risk of heart attacks, and boosts your immune system. Even the insurance giant AIG ran TV ads proclaiming that laughing will add eight years to your life. And that information comes from their actuaries, who should know.

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.’

– Dave Barry

In the workplace, fun environments rank higher in terms of reasons to stay with a job than money, gifts, and even recognition.

If you are a boss, or have a boss (which is everyone) who have the power to lead by example and set the workplace tone, you should know the killer advantages of creating a fun workplace:

Humor Builds Trust
Humor breaks through false pretenses, helps eliminates communication barriers, and creates an environment in which people feel more authentic and expressive in their ideas. The reason is that humor builds trust. In one study, people who measured high in terms of how often they initiated humor, and appreciated humor in social settings, were considered more trustworthy.

Humor Strengthens Leadership
Bosses who use humor as part of their leadership style are not only proven to build more cohesive teams, they are also perceived as better leaders and managers. Team members also report to their colleagues greater work satisfaction and higher approval ratings of managers who use humor in their interactions.

Humor Enhances Creative Thinking
Quite a few studies have demonstrated that laughter and humor not only enhances creative thinking by reducing the fear of expressing ideas publicly, but even improves memory and retention. If you want a more productive meeting, start with a joke. Not the teasing or ridiculing kind, but what researchers call “Affiliative Humor.” It’s the kind of joke that is non-threatening to any single member of the group, but instead works to demonstrate we are all coping together.

A final word of advice: There is a wrong kind of humor – a kind of humor that is divisive and destructive. It’s the kind of humor that is intentionally demeaning, derogatory, or rude.

For humor to have a positive, and powerful effect in our work, it needs to be inclusive, and remind the group of who we are, what we are doing, and how we do things.

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

– Darynda Jones.

Keep laughing.

How We Spend Our Days Is How We Spend Our Lives

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How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives.
– Annie Dillard

Does this sound like you?

You rush around in the morning, get the kids off to school, and hustle to get to work on time. You commute twenty to forty minutes every day. You have your own cube, but it feels like assigned seating. There is stark overhead fluorescent lighting. You attend at least two meetings a day (sometimes more), both of which you didn’t need to attend, and could have been resolved in twenty minutes. But they drone on for an hour, only because they were scheduled to.

Your boss is well-intentioned, but he is so busy appeasing his own boss that your ideas are ignored. There’s no clear guiding vision that you can fathom, other than to fix problems, put out fires, and figure out how to charge the customer more. Meanwhile you watch your colleagues kiss your boss’ ass anyway to get ahead, and try to look more valuable.

Information comes late and loud. You frequently feel like you are the last person to learn about new initiatives. By the time you get the news, it’s presented to you as a “bag of snakes” and you are given a stack of responsibilities to get it on a “glide path” you didn’t know even existed at the beginning of the day.

You feel like half most of what you do is busy work. The emails keep piling up, and you keep hearing expressions like “do more with less.” You get meeting invitations you feel you can’t decline. So you keep working. In fact, if you are like most working Americans, you worked 365 hours last year in unpaid overtime, and didn’t take all of your vacation.

You are stressed. And you feel guilty because you haven’t taken time to exercise and deal with your stress. So you go for a run, and then feel guilty about taking time to exercise while the dishes pile up and the kids sit home and watch Netflix.

Or does this sound like you…

You work from home, coffee shops, or where ever you happen to be at the moment. You go in to the office when it matters to meet colleagues, not to punch a clock. You are invited to conference calls and kept in the loop, but attend only the ones relevant to your projects – the ones you are most interested in and can make the biggest impact.

You take time to sleep, and to exercise. Maybe you are the 5am boot-camp type, but you don’t have to be. You can go for a run at 11am if you want to. You just block that time. You also take time to volunteer at your child’s elementary school. You don’t hide that either. The idea never occurred to you.

You have a great relationship with your boss. You don’t dread interactions with her. Quite the opposite, you call her up anytime you have an idea to share, or need an opinion or support on a project. You always leave those interactions encouraged – even emboldened. She makes you feel like anything is possible. She generates energy in everyone around her.

Every time you sit in on a meeting with your boss, and your boss’ boss, they are constantly giving credit, and constantly giving the limelight, while meanwhile accepting accountability for anything that goes wrong. The COO asks, “We got a big customer win?” Your boss says, “Yes, but it wasn’t me. It was this team that made it happen.”

There’s no gossip, no trash-talking about management over beers on Friday. No fear of your job getting “bangalored” (outsourced to India). You live in a culture that is focused on outputs, not inputs – results, not volume of email noise.

You have friends at work. You do things with each other’s families for fun. You create quality products, and you know it. You take pride in your work, and your colleagues do too.

What’s the difference between these two stories?

The difference is the leadership. In life story #2 the leadership has flipped the culture. It’s a style of leadership that is generous of credit, inclusive of ideas, highly communicative, and purpose-driven. But these people also expect excellence, and have high expectations of the people in the company. And you understand this is a compliment. When remarkable people also expect remarkable results from you, that’s a compliment.

The people who lead companies in life track #2 are creating the biggest innovations, attracting the most sought-after talent, and driving the greatest value impact in the world.

Here’s the big idea: In these stories, who are the leaders? It’s you and me. We get to lead by example. Don’t tell me, “But my boss…” No, it starts with each one of us, and the attitude and action we take every day.

    ____________________________________________________

Our company Mindscaling, is busy building powerful human and digital learning experiences for companies of all sizes. My new book Small Acts of Leadership, is a Washington Post bestseller! You can grab a copy now. Have a meeting coming up? I love to work with groups large and small. Let’s talk.

Last summer, my son and I bicycled across America with two other dads and their teenagers. We published a new book about it called Chasing Dawn. I co-authored the book with my cycling companion, the artist, photographer, and wonderful human jon holloway. Buy a copy. I’ll sign it and send it to your doorstep.

2 Small Things that Make the Biggest Difference

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Age wrinkles the body. Quitting wrinkles the soul. – Douglas MacArthur

Imagine a race in which you don’t know where the course is, what you might be asked to do along the way, or even how long the race will last. Imagine that when you sign up for this race, you are told, immediately and repeatedly, to quit before you even start.

You are warned you might die. And even if you don’t die, you don’t have what it takes to finish anyway, so you shouldn’t bother showing up. The emails from the race director say “Stay home. You don’t have what it takes.”

The brochure reads:

A positive outlook on life is mandatory. Whiners and complainers need not to apply. This is not the race for you. Awards will be presented to those that finish. We don’t plan on handing out too much. No refunds.

During the course of this “race” which has no finish line, you may be asked to dig up a tree stump with your bare hands and then drag it ten miles to the top of a mountain, where you will be greeted by someone who asks you to memorize poetry. You then drag the tree stump down the mountain six miles to somewhere and recite the lines. You get it wrong. You hike six miles back to memorize it until you get it right.

The 2013 version lasted three days. Less than 15% finished. Genius, talent and education are the least of the discerning factors.

Why do some people accomplish more than others of equal intelligence? This was the question Angela Duckworth and her colleagues posed when embarking on a study in 2004 to measure people’s level of “grit.” Surveying the available research regarding traits beyond intelligence that contribute to success, Duckworth and her colleagues found it lacking in the specific area regarding the influence of possessing this quality, which they defined as follows:

We define grit as perseverance and passion for long-term goals. Grit entails working strenuously toward challenges, maintaining effort and interest over years despite failure, adversity, and plateaus in progress. The gritty individual approaches achievement as a marathon; his or her advantage is stamina.

Grit is the combination of two characteristics:

  1. consistency of task
  2. perseverance through adversity

The researchers initiated their own study to develop something they call the “Grit Scale.” After generating a series of questions intended to measure “grittiness,” (for example, “I have overcome setbacks to conquer an important challenge,” “I finish whatever I begin”), the researchers set up a questionnaire on their website, www.authentichappiness.com. Their results reveal higher levels of grit correlate with higher levels of education. The results also showed that grit tends to increase with age. Those individuals with high levels of grit also tend to have fewer career changes. Yet more surprisingly, those identified as possessing high levels of grit often had high grades in school yet scored more poorly on Standard Achievement Tests, suggesting that, despite lower scholastic aptitude, their perseverance and tenacity yielded stronger overall academic results.

The study gets even more interesting when the researchers decided to apply their Grit Scale to the 2004 incoming class of the United States Military Academy at West Point. Just getting into West Point is famously difficult. Entrance requires a nomination from a member of Congress or from the Department of Army. Once accepted, each entering cadet is evaluated on the Whole Candidate Score, which takes into consideration school grade-point average, Scholastic Aptitude Test results, physical fitness, class rank, and evidence of demonstrated leadership ability.

This comprehensive evaluation process for those applying to the academy is necessary to help the academy predict not only the graduation rate, but also the likelihood that entering freshman will finish an arduous summer entrance session known as “Beast Barracks,” or more simply “Beast.” Nearly 100 percent of the freshman cadets also took the Grit Scale test in 2004, and its results proved to be a better predictor of whether or not a cadet would survive Beast Barracks than the military’s own sophisticated and complexly designed evaluation tests.

It is these two small simple things: perseverance and passion for long-term goals, plus a willingness to remain tenacious in the face of adversity that can make all the difference.

[photo: Bethany Hamilton photographed by Noah Hamilton]

Giving Leadership: Why Influence and Inclusion Matter More Than Ever

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Paul Hiltz, President of Mercy Healthcare, might be the toughest interview I’ve had recently. But for reasons you might not expect.

It’s not because he isn’t articulate. He is widely praised for his ability to clearly communicate a compelling vision of the future. His mind is sharp. His ideas are clear. His voice is calm and assuring.

It’s not because he’s too busy to talk to me. He answers all of his email personally and promptly, and gave me his personal cell phone number and encouraged me to call with any questions. I called him once without a scheduled meeting, and after we said hello he asked me if I had a couple minutes to talk. I called him, and he asked me if I had a few minutes to spare.

It’s not because he conceals key parts of his business which he can’t share. Not at all. Paul is known as constantly initiating projects of transparency, and building education campaigns to ensure that everyone clearly understands how the business works. He once hired financial consultants to conduct workshops to teach everyone how the healthcare business works.

And it’s not because he is inaccessible tied up in the boardroom, or in meetings. Quite the opposite. Paul spends almost the entirety of his time in the hallways, having lunch with patients, or families of patients. The staff describe him as constantly visible both in the hospital, and in the greater community.

The real reason Paul is such a tough interview is because most of the time when I ask how he led a big process reinvention, or developed a remarkable financial turnaround, or constructed an entirely new service roll-out in the hospital, he tells me I should talk to this department head, or that nursing administrator, or the other communications director. Every time he tells me it was really their doing. Paul tells me, “She took the lead on that.” Or, “He made it happen. Talk to him.”

So I talk to them. I interview the people Paul points me to, and they all tell me the same thing. Yes, they were part of the equation, part of the team, but they all point back to Paul. It’s Paul’s leadership, they say.

They say everyone in the hospital is simply rallying around his clear vision of a comprehensive and high quality healthcare environment – a healthcare system fully integrated with the greater community. Everyone understands the goal, and everyone is committed to the mission. One of the doctors in the hospital system described Paul as “a healing leader” – a leader who is able to heal wounds of distrust, heal the lacerations of broken communication.

Welcome to a new style of open leadership – a leadership style that believes in:

  • influence not coercion
  • collaboration instead of individual heroism
  • treating employees they way we want customers treated
  • continuous, not episodic, habits of learning
  • giving, not taking, credit
  • assuming accountability, but giving autonomy
  • building inclusive, not homogeneous cultures

Paul Hiltz represents the epitome of a 21st century effective leader who guides not directs, influences not commands, and encourages instead of threatens. He has managed to galvanize the entire organization around a higher goal by constantly giving credit, and constantly giving the spotlight to someone else.

Innovation Hack: Flip the Story

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Pay very close attention. Ready?

Three hikers finish a long hard day on the Appalachian Trail. They trudge into a small inexpensive hotel and ask for a room. The clerk at the counter tells them it’s $30. Great, they each pay $10 and walk down to their room.

The manager wanders in later and asks if there have been any guests. The clerk reports the three hikers and the manager inquires what they paid for the room. The clerk tells him $30, and the manager reminds him they are having a $25 special this evening. The manager instructs the clerk to provide a $5 refund.

The clerk asks the bellhop to return $5 to the hikers. While the bellhop is walking to the room with the refund, he thinks to himself, “I’ve been hauling bags all night and I haven’t had any tips! What are they going to do with $5? I’ll take $2 for myself!”

The bellhop arrives at the room, knocks on the door and returns $1 to each of the three hikers. Each hiker originally paid $10, then had $1 returned. So, they each paid what? Correct, $9.

9 x 3 = 27. 27 + 2 in the bellhop’s pocket = 29. What happened to the other dollar?

One step at a time. Yes, each hiker paid $9. Multiplied by 3 equals 27. 27 plus 2 for the bellhop equals 29. Brain freeze. How is this possible?

The solution often turns out to be more beautiful than the puzzle.
– Richard Dawkins

It’s a fun riddle because the more you persist in one direction in the story, the more it becomes unsolvable. It’s in the telling. If you fixate on each hiker paid $9, then add $2 for the bellhop it’s impossible. It’s really fun to tell this story to kids.

As my friend Jay explains the solution: tell the story in another direction. The three hikers paid $30, got 5 back, and gave 2 to the bellhop, which equals 27. So yes, including the tip they did each pay $9.

We can get wrapped up in the persistent narratives of our work and life every day. At work, at home, at school we build up a narrative bias in which we tell ourselves stories about how things are.

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
– Albert Einstein

To break the narrative bias, try telling stories in a different way. For example, when you have to pitch an idea to your colleagues or your boss, first tell it one way, then try it again using completely different words and phrases. Then a third time, with completely different language again. Or when attempting to solve a problem in a group, ask each member to propose a different approach.

We have tried this in many different settings, trying to solve different types of problems, or pitch different ideas. I’ve discovered that not only do the ideas get better with each telling, but people hear them differently. Varying language will land differently on people. They will hear the story in novel ways when you change the language you use. And when you populate the team with people from different expertise and backgrounds, each will naturally have a unique interpretation to contribute.

After all, remember the story of the six blind men describing an elephant? The first one touches the elephant’s side and says, “It’s solid and tall like a WALL!” The second blind man feels the elephant’s trunk and declares, “Not at all. It’s much more like a giant SNAKE!” The third blind man reaches out to the elephant’s knee and states, “You are both wrong, this is much like a TREE!”

And each was partly right, and each was partly wrong.

    ____________________________________________________

Our company Mindscaling, is busy building powerful human and digital learning experiences for companies of all sizes. My new book Small Acts of Leadership, is a Washington Post bestseller! You can grab a copy now. Have a meeting coming up? I love to work with groups large and small. Let’s talk.

In other news, our son and I bicycled across America with two other dads and their teenagers. We published a new book about it called Chasing Dawn. I co-authored the book with my cycling companion, the artist, photographer, and wonderful human jon holloway. Buy a copy. I’ll sign it and send it to your doorstep.

There are those who do the work. And those who take the credit.

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There are two kinds of people in the world. Those who do the work, and those who take the credit. Try to be in the first group. There is less competition there.
– Indira Ghandi

Lisa Fischer might be the greatest female vocalist working today you have never heard of. When she tours with Sting, her voice is so powerful, Sting will often nod to her during shows and let her open up and take a lead. She will improvise beautiful lengthy passages of melody. Her voice is astonishing in range and power.

Lisa has also been the lead female vocalist on every single Rolling Stones tour since 1989. Not only in the background, but sometimes prowling the stage with Jagger and singing lead on Gimme Shelter. She claims when she is emotionally and vocally in harmony with Jagger, the audience vanishes and she feels as she and the band are the only ones in the stadium. You’ve never heard of her.

Judith Hill was in rehearsals with Michael Jackson when he died. She has been singing backup for years for Jackson, Stevie Wonder and numerous others. You’ve never heard of her either. Luther Vandross sang backup on David Bowie’s hit Young Americans. You know Luther. Luther made the big time. But many do not, and nor do they aspire to.

“Some people will do anything to be famous. And there are other people who just sing. For me, it’s not about anything except being in a special space with people. And that, to me, is the higher calling.”
– Lisa Fischer

I’m working with a CEO named Mark (not his real name) right now who is so generous with attribution and credit, that I’m having a hard time interviewing him directly. Every time I ask him a question about how he accomplished this or that project or initiative, he talks about someone else. He says they made it happen. He tells me I should go interview them. So I go talk to that department head or vice president, and every time they tell me it was Mark’s idea, his vision. They tell me they are just executing on the CEO’s idea.

Mark has managed to galvanize the entire organization around a higher goal by constantly giving credit, and constantly giving the spotlight to someone else.

Next time you have a great idea. Give it away. Give it to someone who can deliver on that idea even better than you might be able to.

A Trick to Building Inclusion: Lessons from the Playground

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On the playground at our daughter’s elementary school, there is something called the Buddy Bench. According to Annie, it’s where you can go and sit if you don’t have any friends to play with.

Then, if you see someone sitting there, alone on the Buddy Bench, your job is to go over and invite them to play with you.

My first reaction to the thought of the Buddy Bench was that it sounded a bit like the No Friends Bench, and that the act of sitting there was sad and lonely, and that by walking over and inviting someone to play was an act of generosity and kindness. And that the whole scene of walking over and sitting there would be like social abandonment. If you did have the courage to walk over, in front of the world to see, and take their hand, and invite them to play with you, the two of you would be quietly ostracized playing in a corner of the playground. At least that’s the way it played out in my mind. Maybe I’ve watched too many come-from-behind underdog Disney movies.

But the way our daughter describes it so matter-of-factly, there’s nothing odd or strange or uncomfortable about either going to the bench to sit, or walking over and inviting someone sitting there to play with you. The way she describes it, by sitting on the Buddy Bench, it’s almost as if you are announcing that you are available to play. It seems the gesture of sitting there is more of an invitation. It’s like raising your hand and saying “Hey, I’m free for something new. Anyone?”

There doesn’t seem to be any stigma associated with it. It’s all very straight-forward. If you’re not sure what to do, sit on the Buddy Bench and pretty soon someone will come over and invite you to play. Annie says people don’t sit on the Buddy Bench for very long. Almost immediately kids get scooped off the Buddy Bench by some kid or a group of kids, and run off immersed in an activity.

To me, this represents the epitome of environments of inclusion. An environment in which no one is permitted to be a pariah. The school has created a mechanism in which if you feel lonely or lost, or simply unsure of what to do next, you make a gesture. That gesture of sitting on the bench says to the entire community you are feeling left out or simply disengaged, and the whole community sees this visual cue and reacts immediately.

It’s also a culture in which a call for help has no stigma associated with it. In fact, the inverse is true. Regular rotation through the Buddy Bench is perfectly normal and healthy since that kid is going to get picked up by a new group and have new experiences.

But there are unwritten social rules that it is unacceptable for anyone to remain on the Buddy Bench. I imagine that the presence of someone lingering on the Buddy Bench would be an unconscious cue that the community lacks leadership, or courage. The social contract would be broken if someone were left there hanging. Annie says it never happens.

If you’re concerned about a lack of engagement, or professional isolation in your work environment, I encourage you to be proactive about it. Start with the assumption that they are at your company for a reason, that they deserve to be there. Then recognize the cues: lack of contribution at meetings, unanswered emails, missed deadlines, lack of initiative, half-ass work. Then pick up the phone, or walk over to their cube and invite them. Invite them for coffee. Invite their opinion. Invite them to contribute to your most valued project.

Invite them to play.

Check out our new series Small Acts of Leadership to pick up small habits you can practice every single day.

    ____________________________________________________

I founded Mindscaling, a company building powerful human and digital learning experiences for companies of all sizes. My new book Small Acts of Leadership, is a Washington Post bestseller! You can grab a copy now. Have a meeting coming up? I love to work with groups large and small. Let’s talk.

Last summer, my son and I bicycled across America with two other dads and their teenagers. We published a new book about it called Chasing Dawn. I co-authored the book with my cycling companion, the artist, photographer, and wonderful human jon holloway. Grab a copy. I’ll sign it and send it to your doorstep.

You may be more afraid of success than failure

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Only those who will risk going too far can
possibly find out how far one can go.
– T.S. Eliot

Sometimes, failing is easy. Success is hard. Failing is status quo, back to the norm, maybe even farther back to slackville. Success can bring envy, jealousy, hurt, notoriety, limelight, pressure, confusion. Success takes courage.

Yes, failing can be terrifying when the stakes are high. It’s why I no longer hit those big jumps in the ski park. I crashed hard once, and the ski patroller who picked me out of the snow indentation said to me solemnly, “You know son, these jumps are a young man’s game.” Actually, I just lied. After three years away from it, my son recently coached me to jump again. Feels awesome.

But sometimes the thought of accomplishing your audacious dreams can be just as uncomfortable as dreading failure. It’s the same emotional trigger. This is The Fear of Succeeding, and it can be just as nerve-wracking.

Succeeding creates change. Change, by definition, is unfamiliar and uncomfortable. And succeeding can make you stand-out, make you different than your peers.

Some say you are the average of the five people you hang out with the most. The five people you hang out with the most is your posse, your peeps. And the most uncomfortable idea in the world can be the threat of social and emotional isolation from your tribe. It’s terrifying that actualizing your dreams might alienate those closest to you, simply by stepping outside of the group’s comfort zone.

Fear of social and emotional isolation is the first hurdle to overcome on our way to taking on, and crushing, our own audacious challenges. Start by demonstrating to others they are safe in following their ambitions. Cheer on and support your friends and colleagues when they step out and try something bold. True, they might bomb anyway, but make sure they don’t bomb because you made them feel like they don’t deserve to succeed.

Guilt over asserting yourself in competition is another big one. You know how your game elevates when you play someone better than you? It feels good when someone pulls you up a notch, but the inverse can be uncomfortable. When you are the one elevating the game, when you are the one quickening the pace it can feel like you are dropping your pals, betraying loyalties.

We also sabotage ourselves by fearing that we may discover higher potential. We might feel unworthy or unqualified. The secret here is focus on competence, not confidence. Too often we clench our fists and try to summon confidence on demand. However, it is true, as Amy Cuddy demonstrates, when we make power poses and take an assertive posture it allow a release of dopamine, and a burst of confidence. But true, profound confidence comes from deep competence. Your true potential comes from the tenacity of pursuing excellence.

Finally, there is the pressure to constantly match or exceed one’s own previous best performance. There is a 10k road race I do every year. And every year I try to post a personal best. Usually I don’t beat my previous performance, but I try to. It’s getting tougher every year to beat myself, but I still believe it’s possible. Last year I posted a personal best I posted over 9 years ago. It’s hard, but it can be done. But here’s the funny thing. I exceeded what I thought was my own capacity by approaching the problem differently. I used to train in volume, now I train in quality.

The same is true in many aspects of life. Pursue quality, not quantity. Because we can explore new outputs only by changing the inputs.

When in doubt, get pronoid. Pronoia is the opposite of paranoia. Pronoia is the belief that the world, and everyone around you is conspiring for your success.

How the Happiest People Think and Act

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The happiest parts of vacations are planning them. The most joyous time is before we even pack our bags. And only those who were able to really, truly check out and relax reported a performance and happiness boost after returning to work.

We aren’t very good at remembering how we felt in the past. We consistently remember the highlights, when in fact the majority of the actual time spent was more mundane. We have the experiencing self in real time who has opinions and emotions, and we have a remembering self who recollects events and provides us with advice about the quality of that experience and how to make future choices.

Researchers have consistently demonstrated that we are poor predictors of what will make us happy in the future. The world is full of miserable lottery winners. We still think that, if only we have the house, the car, the spouse, the job, the vacation, we will be so happy. And yet consistently many of these dreams fail to deliver joy upon arrival, or at least to deliver sustainable joy. One reason is our projection bias – we think the way we feel now is the way we will feel in the future. After a big dinner we think we won’t enjoy breakfast because we’re full. Which explains why we buy impulsively at the grocery store when we are hungry, and the most sensible shopping is done after a meal.

Daniel Kahneman and his colleagues conducted a study in which the researchers asked participants to categorize their days into fifteen-minute increments and value them in real time on the basis of how they felt at those moments. They found that we really only spend less than 30% of our day engaged in activities we characterize as either enjoyable or meaningful. And our most enjoyable or meaningful moments are almost always in the company of others and in pursuit of a purpose greater than ourselves. These are times at lunches, or dinner parties, or playing with friends and loved ones. In the study, the activity of volunteering or working with loved ones in the service of others was evaluated as peak happiness events.

Harvard has completed a study observing the lives of 268 men from 1938 until now. From war to marriage to career triumphs, personal tragedies, parenting, habits and daily behaviors, the Grant Foundation has followed these men as they live (and sometimes die) for the last 80 years. In the book Triumphs of Experience, George Valient breaks down what they have learned are characteristics of a long, healthy and joyful life.

It doesn’t have anything to do with religion, political or sexual orientation. A happy childhood is helpful, but not necessary, for a thriving adult life. The habits you establish before 50 become predictive of mental and physical stability decades later. Learning and change is a lifelong pursuit, and not restricted to childhood and adolescence. And the inevitability of a mid-life crisis is a myth popularized in the 70s.

But according to the study, the two strongest behavioral contributors of a joyful and successful life are the ability to create quality relationships with those around us, and establishing “mature defenses.” According to George Valliant “altruism (doing as one would be done by), anticipation (keeping future pain in awareness), humor (managing not to take oneself too seriously), sublimation (finding gratifying alternatives), and suppression (keeping a stiff upper lip) are the very stuff of which positive mental health is made.”

Go forth in 2015 with happiness, success and joy.

When to Let Others Fail on Their Own

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Favorites from my 365 Project.

It was getting out of hand. It was time for an intervention. Only a year earlier we had a 30 minute “screen time” media option in our house for our three kids. After homework, after chores, after mealtime together, and after checking in and sharing with us their daily activities, they could zone out on NetFlix, Instagram, TV, or whatever they wanted for 30 minutes. In fact, this turned out to be a rather enjoyable time for us as well. While kids blanked out on devices we could chat in the kitchen cleaning up after dinner.

A year later it had devolved into our kids leaping into one, then two-hour headphone-wearing journeys silently watching Parks and Rec, or lost in Taylor Swift albums, or bingeing on FIFA Soccer on XBox. All drifting quietly alone in corners of the house.

I’m all for music and movies, and sometimes throw dance parties with the kids in the living room, or have sessions of watching Forrest Gump, laughing together. But this had gotten out of hand. The rules had lost meaningful consequences, and often we were too exhausted to martial our efforts to stop it. It was time to break the habit.

It hasn’t been consistently effective, but instead of insisting, demanding or confiscating their devices, we have had some progress when we initiate playing with our kids like building a ski jump or playing soccer in the back yard, or assigning small jobs like setting the table or preparing parts of dinner, or simply explaining that staring at a screen near bedtime makes it hard to go to sleep. And when all else fails I quietly go into the basement and unplug the wifi router.

So how do we instill better decision-making in our kids? There are a few clues in recent studies from Brigham Young University in which researchers followed 325 families over a period of four years, examining the behavior of the families with kids between the ages of 11 and 14. After examining parenting styles, family attitudes and subsequent goals attained by the kids, the researchers concluded that three key ingredients consistently created higher levels of persistence, confidence, and higher performance in school as well:

  • a supportive and loving environment
  • a high degree of autonomy in decision-making
  • a high degree of accountability for outcomes

In other words, ensure that there is high trust and unconditional love and support. Then let them make their own choices in recognition of shared understanding of consequences. Believe me, this certainly doesn’t always work. In our experience, a 14-year old does not always make thoughtful and conscientous decisions when granted autonomy. That’s the understatement of the week, but it is the eventual goal because in a few short years he will be making many of these decisions without us around.

I had an interview recently with the CEO of a 6 billion dollar company and he told me that sometimes he knows a project or initiative of a junior team will fail. He has the experience and the insight to recognize that it’s likely to bomb. But he lets it unfold anyway. He believes that as long as it’s not a mission-critical failure, it’s more important to let people go through that learning experience themselves. They need to have the experience of understanding first-hand that a particular process or initiative won’t work.